phase 3

"graduate-anxiety"

it hasn't been great for me this past couple of months, specifically, since i graduated. the anxiety was crazy. i've heard of the "graduate-anxiety" thing before this, but have never thought that it would affect me this greatly. i don't really talk about it to anyone, except to my boyfriend. but when i did, it's only a short piece of the whole information. i don't know if this has anything to do with growing up, but i really don't want anyone to know how it has been going on with me, and the fact that i am actually quite suffering.

the old me used to vent out everything online for the world to see. seems attention-seeking to me now that i look at it. but now, even the closest person to me, don't know anything about me. when one of my best friends checks up on me, i just tell them that i'm not okay and quite anxious. that's all, i don't vent or share anything anymore.

i think a part of me feels embarrassed. i'm already 23, but i'm yet to move into the phase in life where i'm supposed to be in (according to society), employment. and more and more of the people my age around me are sharing the great news of them getting real jobs now, in huge corporations even. i mean good for them, of course, but god i wish it was me (too). 

rejection

speaking of corporates, having been an intern at such a known company in the industry really actually pressures me in a way that i have never, ever, expected that it would, to be honest. i feel like: ok now that i've interned at company X, i HAVE to get a job at an equivalent huge company too, because that would be what my parents, relatives, people who knew where i interned at, my ex-colleagues, are expecting from me.

it is also VERY HEARTBREAKING when the reality is, i feel like i'm not even good at doing the job. when i was about to end my internship, i asked the boss if there was any chance for me to be absorbed into the company. they ended up politely telling me what i have to improve "if i am serious about choosing that job as a career", which first of all, i OBVIOUSLY, REALLY APPRECIATE. i wouldn't have known it if they didn't tell me. but on the other hand, as a flawed human being with ego and pride, i feel disheartened by the rejection. i'm taking it as: "you're not good enough for this job, that's why you don't qualify." and i took (not sure if i still am taking) it very personally.

it also feels embarrassing, not being good at something i really like and was proud of doing. to my defense, the internship period was quite short for me to be able to grasp all the skills needed to qualify as one of the staff there. a friend of mine who's an intern too told me that they're extending their internship there to get more chance of being absorbed into the company. i used to think that it was a ridiculous idea because the job we did as interns there, paid with "intern allowance", are the exact same as the actual staff, who obviously got paid real salary. and i thought that that would be a waste of my time. but after being rejected, i finally see where they're coming from. they were right. if only i extended my internship for a few more months, maybe i could've done better at the job, and qualified to actually work there. now i feel so embarrassed of myself.

i told my boyfriend about this, but never really tell him the whole story emotionally. i acted like i was quite not ok but i understand where all this is coming from. but the truth is, i feel very disheartened, embarrassed, and disappointed in myself.

plans

now that everyone's got a job, i am freaking out because i'm still unemployed. actually, i already have my own path planned out ever before i graduated:

1. finish studying
2. internship
3. get a driving license (get a part-time job in the meantime)
4. get a real job.
   

i planned them in that order because i don't want my driving classes to be delayed if i do it while i was studying at uni, internship, or when i actually get a real job. i don't want the schedules to overlap. i've never really consulted anyone about this plan. i just trust myself. because i don't trust anyone else and i just don't want anyone to know so much about me, including my plans. so i never know if this is a good plan or not. 

phase 3

now that i am at the third phase of my plan, i realized that it's not easy to trust your gut and stick to your plan. i forgot to realize that while i have my own plans, others have theirs too, and all of our plans are different from each other, and that's completely NORMAL AND OKAY. but what happened to me was (still is) i freak the fuck out. i feel pressured and left out. i feel like i'm supposed to be chasing something (employment), but i can't do that yet because i am stuck at phase 3 at the moment. and shit is taking a suuuuper long time. i can't move on to the next stage yet and i am freaking out.

manage

so every day, my anxiety has just been peaking. but what makes the anxious me now different from the old anxious me is that i can manage the anxiety. i can pinpoint what is making me feel miserable. i let myself dwell on it. i did it every day if i needed to. i crumbled in the dark, missed a meal, cried myself to sleep. felt what i was feeling. but then i picked myself back up. every. single. time. i consciously got up, and told myself that it is going to be okay. stood up. got out of my room. took a shower. ATE. cleaned my room. journaled sometimes. watched youtube or whatever. i actively and consciously comforted myself.

because no one is going to do it for me (not that i let them). considering how private i've become, only i know myself best, and how horrible i'm feeling. about everything. i can't expect everyone or anyone to be there for me, so i have to be there for myself. only i can convince myself. because the only person i fully trust is me.