bad friend?

during the weekend, i went to see my best friends. it was a very long commute. it was fun though. but to be very frank, i hate the fact that i cant stand one of my friends' humble brag that she does so much. and i don't even know how to tell her about it. it seems to me like she needs a lot of work to be sincere and not bragging. 

sometimes, i feel like she's so out of touch. shes so privileged in a lot of things, like money. but i don't know, maybe i am not a good friend? i don't really feel anything much anymore about our differences financially, but its more about something else, like the way she humbly brags about being smarter than most people, and that many older/wiser/rich men hit on her all the time. like?? 

i don't even know how to put in words what i feel when she says those things. its like, i'm supposed to be a good friend and supportive of her with everything that she does and be happy and proud of her. but at some point it's like, ok, we get it, you are smart and attractive, and yes, many men like you. it's like she needs those validations so much and why? i feel like some people may be able to give it to her, but me.. i don't think i can stand it. it makes me feel glad that i don't have to see her everyday anymore. which also makes me feel bad for feeling so. 

also, when i told her about my sister's suspicious and predatory age gap relationship, her first reaction was, "the age gap seems ok to me?" like.. why does that sound so out of touch to me? she justified by saying that maybe because when SHE was 22, she was a more mature person than my sister is. i don't knowww. i feel like as someone who is (at least appears to be) so aware of so much predatory stuff and the danger of the world that we live in nowadays and is open-minded, she should've right away see that the relationship was alarming. but instead, the first thing that she does was to make it about her bcs SHE thinks shes much more mature than, again, everyone else. i hate that i had to say "no you don't understand" during the conversation because i don't like telling people that they don't understand anything or that it seems like i cant take their opinion (now that i write this down, i do sound like a people-pleaser). although as the conversations went on, she did point out that she realized how immature my sister is personality-wise because she remembered how my sister behaved when she met her. but she still made clear that she thinks the age gap was fine, that it's just my sister's problem. like?? 

we also talked about how i feel like it's common and understandable that when you live with your parents, you'll have to follow their rules and be respectful by informing your whereabouts. because again, the rest of us in this group is not financially privileged to completely move out and not care about our parents. but she immediately, again, made it about her and said "well, my parents don't (ask or care about her whereabouts)." huh? she does know that her case with her parents/family is not as common as everyone else and that most importantly, it comes from a privileged position. she went/goes thru negligence issues by her parents, compensated with money. but that's not the case for many of us, or at least us in her circle ni. i don't really feel like sharing with her anything about my family anymore...

i also don't know why talking to her about my unemployment issues doesn't feel helpful or relieving at all... to begin with, i have to always make sure that she is stable and in the right headspace to talk about it (i know there are many people like this, i understand, but personally, i wouldn't mind at all if any of my best friends wants to confide in me about anything because that's how much i value my friendships). which most of the time, she doesn't seem as she's available because she works and travel a lot more than the rest of us do. there was only ONE time where i attempted to talk to her about it, also by asking her if she could take me to the clinic, which i think we couldve proceeded with a bit of sharing on why i was feeling what i was feeling that needed me to seek professional help. but no, after calculating the minutes and miles that she has to jump for me, her best friend, and stating how busy she is (which i already damn well know, i did not need her to overjustify it), she then proceeded with shutting me out by saying that SHE is not well either at that moment and it was a wrong time for me to reach out to her. i don't know i just feel like you shouldn't do that to a best friend. but then again, i am just one of her many best friends. but she's one of my very few friends.

but that weekend during the 1 hour commute with my other friend, i felt so much comfort in confiding to her about my struggle with anxiety and depression this past few months, and i even told her about other job opportunities i'm pursuing at the moment. she was so understanding and supportive and most importantly, did not make it about her. she relate to my stories and struggles, yes, but she did not make it about her.

things falling into places

it has been a roller coaster couple of months for me especially since after graduation, except that the track is just going down. life has just been filled with anxiety and a bit of depression, so much stress and pressure. 

after graduation, my plan was to rest for a bit, take driving classes and get a license while working a part-time job, then go jobhunting. the reason is that I was aware that taking leaves when working is a bit of a hassle when you are in a full-time job, hence the part-time job thing. my father promised to pay for my driving classes, which he did not follow through with. so I had to work pt TO PAY FOR the driving classes. since I had to wait for my salary to come in to pay for it, I booked the classes later than the initial plan, which obviously had my classes scheduled for about 4 months later. and that was gonna be too long of a period for me to just work pt. mind you, I'm a fresh grad. 

everyone around me has already got their driving license, and been working permanent jobs for at least 5 months now. i felt soooo left behind. nobody really prepared me for the post-graduation stress and anxiety, especially if you have such an irresponsible father like mine. at first, I didn't mind much about taking some time before finding actual job for my career path. but after 3 months working pt, I started to feel super insecure, my ego crushed for the 100000th times, and I hated the job. i wanted to leave. i want to do something that actually suits me, somewhere I can put my skills and talents in place, where my achievements will be recognized.

i hated my pt job because of a coworker's behaviour which I cant seem to tolerate anymore. and I feel like I cant grow working there, no one sees my full potential. i want to be seen as a talented and skillful person. at least if I am to be berated at work, let it be because of my skills, not because of trivial mundane things, like the way I stood on the selling floor, or the way I pick up shoes from the rack. those things are trivial and petty to me and I hate being criticized for that nothingness. and I think the pt job has done what it has to do, which is to pay for my driving classes. and that's enough already. so I figured that its time to move on to the next phase.

although it is earlier than my initial plan, which was to get driving classes done before working a full time job, I think that it doesn't really matter. cs in this aspect, the river still flows, and things will still fall into place. they just dont happen the way I planned it, but they still work out so it's fine.

as much as I am such an anxious and planned person, in this sense of making big decisions in life, I let spontaneity intervene for a bit. and just, believe. in myself and in what the world has to offer me. so I started applying for jobs.

took less than a week for me to get calls from a couple of companies for interviews. and got a "yes" within the next week. in total, only took me 2 weeks to find a job and land a decent one. Alhamdulillah highkey very grateful for this. i know that jobhunting can stretch up to months for many. but I'm super grateful that that was not the case for me. i lowkey wished that it only took me maximum 4 interviews to land a decent job. cs unlike some people, I don't want to spend too much time looking for a decent job. and thank lord and the universe that it worked out that way in the end.

the company seems nice, the hr was nice to me, and the salary negotiation went very well. I'm so grateful that it works out that way. so grateful that my mom guided me a bit for how much I should demand to be paid. although I am starting my career journey a bit later than most people around me, at least my salary will be decent, and I got what I wanted. the job itself is also something that I feel confident and have an interest in. i cant wait to see how things will go for me from now on.

earning money is also something that is life-changing for me. ever since I worked pt job, I feel so satisfied when at the end of the month, I get paid for the long-hours I worked. i have my own money to buy whatever I want, to pay for my subscriptions, to pay for my commitment like the driving classes. and the fact that it is consistent, in the sense that if I run out of money, it will still come back to me next month. i loooove earning money. i love that I can buy ANYTHING that I want. money DO BUY HAPPINESS for me. and I am happy that my boyfriend is very supportive of me spending my money on retail therapy. because he knows how hard I worked for it. and being broke for so long as a students had only done me damage. so its completely okay to celebrate being free from financial burden for a bit.

i can now pay for expensive essentials and gadgets. i bought rm200+ bag for work, and will be buying rm200+ headphone soon. i bought rm200+ makeup because I love doing makeup. i bought coffee stuff, clothes, shoes. i did my hair. it makes me so happy that I can do all that by using MY OWN MONEY. and I can do it again next month! i don't have to be anxious as much as I did when my finance only depended on student loan and food coupons, and my parents mercy to give me pocket money. it feels liberating. and I am so happy for me.

phase 3

"graduate-anxiety"

it hasn't been great for me this past couple of months, specifically, since i graduated. the anxiety was crazy. i've heard of the "graduate-anxiety" thing before this, but have never thought that it would affect me this greatly. i don't really talk about it to anyone, except to my boyfriend. but when i did, it's only a short piece of the whole information. i don't know if this has anything to do with growing up, but i really don't want anyone to know how it has been going on with me, and the fact that i am actually quite suffering.

the old me used to vent out everything online for the world to see. seems attention-seeking to me now that i look at it. but now, even the closest person to me, don't know anything about me. when one of my best friends checks up on me, i just tell them that i'm not okay and quite anxious. that's all, i don't vent or share anything anymore.

i think a part of me feels embarrassed. i'm already 23, but i'm yet to move into the phase in life where i'm supposed to be in (according to society), employment. and more and more of the people my age around me are sharing the great news of them getting real jobs now, in huge corporations even. i mean good for them, of course, but god i wish it was me (too). 

rejection

speaking of corporates, having been an intern at such a known company in the industry really actually pressures me in a way that i have never, ever, expected that it would, to be honest. i feel like: ok now that i've interned at company X, i HAVE to get a job at an equivalent huge company too, because that would be what my parents, relatives, people who knew where i interned at, my ex-colleagues, are expecting from me.

it is also VERY HEARTBREAKING when the reality is, i feel like i'm not even good at doing the job. when i was about to end my internship, i asked the boss if there was any chance for me to be absorbed into the company. they ended up politely telling me what i have to improve "if i am serious about choosing that job as a career", which first of all, i OBVIOUSLY, REALLY APPRECIATE. i wouldn't have known it if they didn't tell me. but on the other hand, as a flawed human being with ego and pride, i feel disheartened by the rejection. i'm taking it as: "you're not good enough for this job, that's why you don't qualify." and i took (not sure if i still am taking) it very personally.

it also feels embarrassing, not being good at something i really like and was proud of doing. to my defense, the internship period was quite short for me to be able to grasp all the skills needed to qualify as one of the staff there. a friend of mine who's an intern too told me that they're extending their internship there to get more chance of being absorbed into the company. i used to think that it was a ridiculous idea because the job we did as interns there, paid with "intern allowance", are the exact same as the actual staff, who obviously got paid real salary. and i thought that that would be a waste of my time. but after being rejected, i finally see where they're coming from. they were right. if only i extended my internship for a few more months, maybe i could've done better at the job, and qualified to actually work there. now i feel so embarrassed of myself.

i told my boyfriend about this, but never really tell him the whole story emotionally. i acted like i was quite not ok but i understand where all this is coming from. but the truth is, i feel very disheartened, embarrassed, and disappointed in myself.

plans

now that everyone's got a job, i am freaking out because i'm still unemployed. actually, i already have my own path planned out ever before i graduated:

1. finish studying
2. internship
3. get a driving license (get a part-time job in the meantime)
4. get a real job.
   

i planned them in that order because i don't want my driving classes to be delayed if i do it while i was studying at uni, internship, or when i actually get a real job. i don't want the schedules to overlap. i've never really consulted anyone about this plan. i just trust myself. because i don't trust anyone else and i just don't want anyone to know so much about me, including my plans. so i never know if this is a good plan or not. 

phase 3

now that i am at the third phase of my plan, i realized that it's not easy to trust your gut and stick to your plan. i forgot to realize that while i have my own plans, others have theirs too, and all of our plans are different from each other, and that's completely NORMAL AND OKAY. but what happened to me was (still is) i freak the fuck out. i feel pressured and left out. i feel like i'm supposed to be chasing something (employment), but i can't do that yet because i am stuck at phase 3 at the moment. and shit is taking a suuuuper long time. i can't move on to the next stage yet and i am freaking out.

manage

so every day, my anxiety has just been peaking. but what makes the anxious me now different from the old anxious me is that i can manage the anxiety. i can pinpoint what is making me feel miserable. i let myself dwell on it. i did it every day if i needed to. i crumbled in the dark, missed a meal, cried myself to sleep. felt what i was feeling. but then i picked myself back up. every. single. time. i consciously got up, and told myself that it is going to be okay. stood up. got out of my room. took a shower. ATE. cleaned my room. journaled sometimes. watched youtube or whatever. i actively and consciously comforted myself.

because no one is going to do it for me (not that i let them). considering how private i've become, only i know myself best, and how horrible i'm feeling. about everything. i can't expect everyone or anyone to be there for me, so i have to be there for myself. only i can convince myself. because the only person i fully trust is me.

Nice

Everything is nice currently.
Everything.
Feelings.
Times.
People.
Nice.
I'm happy.
Yay me :D